


James Tiberius to S'chn T'gai

by YRU



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Emails, First Date, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, For the Lulz, M/M, Short One Shot, lmao so creative, or comm-mails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8002216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YRU/pseuds/YRU
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Christopher Robin Pike</b> ≺crpike@starfleet.ent.fed≻<br/>to James Tiberius [▼]<br/><br/><b>SUBJECT: <span class="u">Jim, You Are Being Stupid Right Now.</span></b><br/><br/>Hi Jim,<br/><br/>Please refrain from choosing to "Reply all" if you are going to send nonsense. It trivialises Federation comm-mails even more than they already are.<br/><br/>With thanks,<br/>Pike</p><div class="center">
  <p>*****</p>
</div><br/>An emailing/IM one-shot with a plot. Not too OOC, but they're practically texting, so. Read for a guffaw. No promises though.
            </blockquote>





	James Tiberius to S'chn T'gai

**Author's Note:**

> I've been using email a lot for school and I ended up wanting to write about it.

**Christopher Robin Pike** <crpike@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius, S'chn T'gai, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel Andreievich, Montgomery, Leonard Horatio … [▼]

 **SUBJECT:** **New Comm-mail System a.k.a. Don’t Be Stupid**

Greetings crew,

I am writing to inform you, as per Starfleet protocol, of what should be obvious.

Starfleet has implemented a new comm-mail system, with "heightened security" and a more “user-friendly” interface that should prevent heedless officers from accidentally sending out highly confidential information to unauthorised persons. As you all should be aware, the recent incident involving USS Excelsior Captain Styles resulted in his unfortunate termination. I need all of my crew, so **don’t be stupid** and **don’t send xenophobic comm-mails or leak coordinates of top-secret Federation facilities to the whole of Earth.**

I will not insult your intelligence by trying to explain how the new interface works. I am not even going to forward the 5GB PDF-video-powerpoint file sent to me on the “new features” and “cute new icons”. Just remember my main message, as bolded.

Thank you.

With regards,  
Your Still Wheelchair-bound Admiral

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Christopher Robin, S'chn T'gai, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel Andreievich, Montgomery, Leonard Horatio ... [▼]

 **SUBJECT:** **RE: New Comm-mail System a.k.a Don't be Stupid**

LMFAO BONES SINCE WHEN WAS YOUR MIDDLE NAME HORATIO? FML IM CRYING REAL TEARS

* * *

**** **Christopher Robin Pike** <crpike@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT: Jim, You Are Being Stupid Right Now.**  


Hi Jim,

Please refrain from choosing to "Reply all" if you are going to send nonsense. It trivialises Federation comm-mails even more than they already are.

With thanks,  
Pike

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Christopher Robin, S'chn T'gai, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel Andreievich, Montgomery, Leonard Horatio ... [▼]

 ** SUBJECT: RE: ** ** New Comm-mail System a.k.a Don't be Stupid (PLEASE IGNORE PREVIOUS COM3) **

Hi all,

Please ignore the previous comm-mail. It was highly inappropriate and impertinent to the information Admiral Pike sent.

Sincerely,  
Jim

* * *

** Leonard Horatio McCoy  ** <lhmccoy@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT:** **RE: Fuck you**   


Fuck you

* * *

**_You have joined a conversation with_ James Tiberius Kirk.**

**jtkirk:** okokok sorry about that  
**jtkirk:** i got shit from pike too, if it's of any comfort. only reason why i bothered with the other com3 :-(  
**jtkirk:** it's hilarious though. your name. LOL  
**lhmccoy:** The other comm-mail made things WORSE. Nobody even reads these Fed messages. You probably MADE people end up wanting to read it with your "PLEASE IGNORE PREVIOUS" plea.  
**lhmccoy:** Also, not fair that your lover gets away with his hobgoblin name. At least you can pronounce Horatio, you asshole.  
**lhmccoy:** Or can you?  
**jtkirk:** being able to pronounce it makes it so much worse. feels gross in my mouth. :-)  
**jtkirk:** and stop calling him my lover ffs it's getting weird  
**lhmccoy:** Weird for who?  
**lhmccoy:** It shouldn't get weird unless you actually feel some way about him...  
**jtkirk:** s  
**jtkirk:** t  
**jtkirk:** f  
**jtkirk:** u  
**lhmccoy:** Can you pronounce S'chn T'gai?  
**jtkirk:**... yes  
**lhmccoy:** Wow  
**jtkirk:** so fucking what  
**lhmccoy:** It's not even English, Jim.  
**jtkirk:** he told me. it's not like i can speak fluent vulcan bc i'm in love with him or something.  
**jtkirk:** god now you're making me think about it  
****jtkirk:**** i feel so weird rn  
**lhmccoy:** Fine.  
**lhmccoy:** But tell me...  
**lhmccoy:** How does S'chn T'gai feel in your mouth?

**James Tiberius Kirk _has left the conversation_.**

* * *

**S'chn T'gai Spock** <stspock@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT: RE: Sabbatical Information**

Jim,

Attached is the information on the sabbatical at the Vulcan Science Academy. I hope our discussion yesterday incited in you a deeper interest in the advanced technology available there. Do inform me if you will be joining me next Terran month at New Vulcan. :-)

Live long and prosper.

 **2 Attachments:  
** [vsacourse.pdf] [vsainfo.pdf]

* * *

**_You have joined a conversation with_  Nyota Uhura.**

**jtkirk:**  hey uhura  
**jtkirk:** did you teach spock how to use emoticons  
**nuhura:** Jim  
**nuhura:** you're a great friend, and I might even say I love you, but could you please stop talking to me about him?  
**nuhura:** it's like it doesn't register in your head that we're not together anymore.  
**nuhura:** and that I'm not really up for talking about my ex.  
**jtkirk:** :c k sorry  
**jtkirk:** thought it was an amicable thing though  
**jtkirk:** but alright sorry  
**nuhura:** yeah I don't wanna punch him when I see him. doesn't mean I wanna talk about him 24/7 like you.  
**jtkirk:** why does everyone keep making out that i like him or something??  
**nuhura:** you know when you ask questions like that, you just sound like you're asking for validation right?  
******jtkirk:******  ok i won't ask then.  
**nuhura:** but no, I didn't teach him. knowing him, he probably learned it from some book and thought it was good for boosting morale among humans, lol.  
**nuhura:** why?  
**jtkirk:** he sent me a :-) in an email  
**jtkirk:** it's kinda cute LOL  
**nuhura:** k

**Nyota Uhura _has_** **_left the conversation._ **

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to S'chn T'gai [▼]

**SUBJECT: RE: Sabbatical Information**  


Hey Spock,

Thanks for sending me the info. I totally want to go to New Vulcan with you for our sabbatical. You had me at the planet simulators. :-)

By the way, isn't it so weird that your family name is used like your first name on our comm-mails? I can't get over that. Isn't it kinda racist too? They assume it's First-Middle-Last no matter what. You'd think by now they would've thought about giving you other options. Also, when I look at you I just think "Spock", not "S'chn T'gai". It's like cognitive dissonance, you know? Does anyone even call you that? S'chn T'gai, I mean. Not cognitive dissonance. Actually, maybe cognitive dissonance. 

Anyway, see you at the rec room for chess in an hour. :-)))

Jim

* * *

_**You have joined a conversation with** _ **S'chn T'gai Spock** _ **.** _

**stspock:** Greetings, Nyota. I hope you are well. May I ask you a question regarding linguistics?  
**nuhura:** hi, Spock! sure, what is it?  
**stspock:** It is about the commonly employed 'emoticons' with which humans convey their facial expressions or emotions. Can I confirm that :-) is a smiling face, used usually to demonstrate politeness or pleasantness?  
**nuhura:** oh my god  
**nuhura:** are you joking?  
**nuhura:** you're so whipped that you need to confirm if you sent Jim the right emoticon?  
**stspock:** I am not joking. I am also not being whipped. In fact, I fail to see the connection.  
**stspock:** Furthermore, how did you come to know that I sent the captain a comm-mail containing :-)?I fear the security of this new interface has yet to be refined.  
**nuhura:** yes, :-) is a smiley face.  
**nuhura:** the security is fine. Jim told me himself.  
**stspock:** I see. Was it so significant?  
**nuhura:** are you asking for validation?  
**stspock:** Vulcans do not require validation. I simply wish to know if my usage of :-) was out of place.  
**nuhura:** out of character, maybe...  
**stspock:** I see. It is due to fact that I do not normally smile the way humans do in person.  
**nuhura:** I guess, Spock... don't worry, Jim wasn't mad about it, lol.  
**nuhura:** I'm gonna get back to work now, okay? see you around.  
**stspock:** Please do not leave the conversation yet.  
**stspock:** I need to ask you something else. It is more important.  
**nuhura:** oh. okay.  
**nuhura:** what is it?

**S'chn T'gai _is typing..._**

**nuhura:** wow you're really penning a letter here, aren't you?

**S'chn T'gai _is typing..._**

**stspock:** What, then, does :-))) represent? I was under the impression that the symbol ) was a mouth. The captain sent me :-))), which I am having trouble deciphering. Would ) in this case still represent a mouth? And if so, would :-))) convey a smiling face with three (3) mouths? The captain does not have three (3) mouths, only one (1). In fact, he reinforced my belief that he only had one (1) mouth by using :-) in his first paragraph, but then switched to :-))) in the last. I have also recently seen the captain in person, while he was on the bridge. During this time, I observed that he still had one singular mouth. I watched him bite his bottom lip as well, so I very clearly recall how many mouths he had. However, I have also considered the possibility that :-))) is a completely different emoticon. That is, it is not a smiling face. If this is true, might I ask what :-))) is representative of?  
**nuhura:**...  
**nuhura:** wtf  
**nuhura:** honestly  
**nuhura:** ok  
**nuhura:** basically the number of ) symbols connotes the extent of happiness. more )s, more happiness.  
**nuhura:** so idk. I guess you made jim veeery happy or something and he decided to let you know in his last paragraph.  
**stspock:** I see.  
**nuhura:** yeah  
**stspock:** I am thankful for your wisdom in linguistics.  
**nuhura:** any time, Spock.

**_You have left the conversation._ **

**_You have joined a conversation with_ S'chn T'gai Spock.**

**nuhura:**  I was being sarcastic. please don't actually ask me about emoticons at any given time you please. I do have work to do. but you're welcome.

_**You have left the conversation.** _

* * *

**S'chn T'gai Spock** <stspock@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT: RE: Sabbatical Information**

I am very glad to hear that you will be taking the sabbatical. :-))))))))))))))))))))))))

With regard to my family name being displayed on our comm-mail interface, I am not too troubled by it. It is quite abnormal, as I am hardly referred to by my full Vulcan name except by elders during ceremonies, but it does not cause me offence or harm. In fact, I was under the impression that humans occasionally addressed one another by their family names. This is especially prevalent in Starfleet, where I have many a-time witnessed others referring to you as 'Kirk'. I personally prefer the official 'Captain', or when you order me to address you informally, 'Jim'. :-)))))))))))))))))))) I have also not been called 'cognitive dissonance' before.

Yes, I will see you in the rec room for chess. :-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 

* * *

**Montgomery Scott** <mscott@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT: Transporter Log for 2258.5**

Hello Captain,

Here is the Transporter Log so far for this leg of the mission. I've run through it myself and I'd say everything's accounted for. There's no need for checks even, because I know you've got lots on your plate already! In fact, I can send it to headquarters myself, as long as I have your permission.

Cheers,  
Scotty

 **1 Attachment:  
** [transporterlog2258_5.xl]

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Montgomery [▼]

**SUBJECT: RE: Transporter Log for 2258.5**  


Scotty,

Meet me at Deck 4 Conference Room B at 1600. You know exactly why.

Jim

* * *

** James Tiberius Kirk  ** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to S'chn T'gai, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel Andreievich, Montgomery, Leonard Horatio ... [▼]

** SUBJECT: Unauthorised Transporter Use and Uniform Regulations - READ ME **

Fellow crew members of the Enterprise,

I hope you are all doing splendidly. If you are not, please visit CMO McCoy at the Medical Bay and get yourself checked out. You may even speak with Dr McCoy about your homesickness and dysphoria, and he will be happy to assist you.

On a more important note, it has come to my attention that our transporters have been used recently to beam at least eight individuals down to Gamma Hydra IV. Even more important is the location which these individuals were beamed down to, i.e. at the doorstep of a brothel.  I have no comment on the activities any of you wish to do in private, but CCTV footage shows that these individuals also wore their Starfleet uniforms to the location, which is where the issue clearly lies.

Need I remind you that when you are in uniform, you are representing Starfleet. More specifically, the USS Enterprise. I do not wish for my crew to have its image tarnished as Federation employees who misuse their authority for lewd means. Or, in other words, as intergalactic sex monkeys who couldn't even change into civilian clothes BEFORE GOING TO A BROTHEL.

I have not informed HQ about this, and have even taken to excluding Admiral Pike from this comm-mail. **BE GRATEFUL AND** **TAKE THIS AS A WARNING.**

Your Captain,  
Jim Kirk

* * *

**_You have joined a conversation with_ Leonard Horatio McCoy.**

**lhmccoy:** Holy shit, Jim.  
**lhmccoy:** Fucking shit  
**lhmccoy:** Fuck  
**lhmccoy:** I hate you so much  
**jtkirk:** oh bones  
**lhmccoy:** You cannot tell anyone.  
**lhmccoy:** DO NOT tell anyone.  
**lhmccoy:** Please.  
**jtkirk:** why would i? ;-)  
****lhmccoy:**** Because you're twisted.  
**jtkirk:** twisted?  
**jtkirk:** i'm not the one who visited a brothel in his blue shirt.......  
**jtkirk:** and even bribed poor scotty.......  
**lhmccoy:** Fuck this  
**jtkirk:** i think you've done enough fucking ;-))  
**lhmccoy:** What do you want  
**jtkirk:** hm? :-)  
**lhmccoy:** WHAT DO YOU WANT? I KNOW YOU WANT SOMETHING OUT OF THIS. YOU DON'T EVEN FOLLOW REGULATION YOURSELF.  
**jtkirk:** wine  
**jtkirk:** preferably red  
**jtkirk:** and dark chocolate  
**jtkirk:** :-)  
**lhmccoy:** What??? What for???  
**lhmccoy:** Don't you know how to work the fucking replicators on your own?  
**jtkirk:** i just need them  
**jtkirk:** plus ew no i want the authentic stuff  
**lhmccoy:** Why? More importantly, why would you have to BLACKMAIL me to get them???  
**jtkirk:** hey, it wasn't just you. i was just doing my job as a captain. those other guys need to watch themselves too :-)  
**lhmccoy:** YOU need to watch yourself.  
**lhmccoy:** Okay okay I'll get you your red wine and chocolate. Anything else???  
**jtkirk:** dark* chocolate  
**jtkirk:** mmm you know what? meet me at conference room e on deck 2  
**jtkirk:** and bring your padd so you can record down eeeeeverything i need :-)  
**lhmccoy:** MY GOD, MAN.

**Leonard Horatio McCoy _has left the conversation._**

* * *

**Leonard Horatio McCoy** <lhmccoy@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT:** **Sometimes I wish we never met**  


Honestly, Jim. You make me question my existence. I just spent three hours compiling this stupid violin and piano playlist you wanted for your stupid date with a stupid Vulcan. Does he even care about music? Not to mention all the stupid crew members who have come down to medical in the past day to CRY, no thanks to your stupid comm-mail.

Anyway, I've asked Chekov for the red wine instead of stealing it like you suggested, so you can go get it from his quarters before tonight. Same goes for the dark chocolate. I had to wait for the kid to stop bawling his eyes out when I told him what you needed them for. By the way, Sulu was there too. The guy insisted I ask if you wanted to borrow his high grade lube for the night. This crew is a wretched mess.

I hope your date goes terribly.

**1 Attachment:**  
[ Romantic Date.zip]

* * *

** Pavel Andreievich Chekov  ** <pachekov@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

** SUBJECT: GOOD LUCK!**

Hello, sir.

I just wanted to wish you all the best on your first date with Commander Spock. You two are perfect together in my eyes. I am truly happy for you both.

With love,  
Pavel

** 3 ** **Attachments:  
** [congratulationscat.jpg] [lovequote45.jpg] [spirk_manip7.png]

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk**  <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Pavel Andreievich [▼]

 ** SUBJECT:  ** ** RE: GOOD LUCK! **

hey pavel sorru i only saew this now but thakns.. it suckdd tho lol... i was rlly nervius n i got him high on tje choclate. like reeeaeealy high. n drunk. can u say drunk if he dint rlly drink anythign? anywau he puked n i had to put him t o bed.. without me. the third pic u sent is rlly hot btw haha

here spock n i took a pic togethr jsut now but sadly clothed

** 1 Attachment:  
** [PSC_2258532.jpg]

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk**  <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Leonard Horatio [▼]

 ** SUBJECT:  ** ** RE: Sometimes I wish we never met **

YOR FAULT OURDATE WEN T TERRIBLY!!!!!!!!!! :''''-(

* * *

_**You have joined a conversation with** _ **S'chn T'gai Spock.**

 **jtkirk:** i love u  
**jtkirk:** i had such a good tiem  
**jtkirk:** u look beuatufil when u sleep  
**jtkirk:** beautufil* haha  
**jtkirk:** that still looks wrong...  
**jtkirk:** im sorry u puked  
**jtkirk:** i like u a lot. goodnight,

_**You have left the conversation.** _

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Christopher Robin, S'chn T'gai, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel Andreievich, Montgomery, Leonard Horatio … [▼]

** SUBJECT: yum**

spock..

to show u how muchc i love u here is a pic of me

** 1 Attachment:  
** [PSC_2258533.jpg]

* * *

**Pavel Andreievich Chekov** <pachekov@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

** SUBJECT: RE: GOOD LUCK! **

What a cute picture of you two!!! I am sure your date went fine. Do not worry. :-D

* * *

**Pavel Andreievich Chekov** <pachekov@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

** SUBJECT: RE: yum **

This picture you have sent to the Enterprise... :-(

Why, captain?

* * *

**Nyota Uhura** <nuhura@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

** SUBJECT: RE: yum **

Jim, what the fuck?!?! really not the way to tell me you two are dating now. also did not need that picture. you're going to have the time of your life when you wake up...  


* * *

**Christopher Robin Pike** <crpike@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

** SUBJECT: RE: yum **

Son. Out of all the things you've done, all the rules you've violated, all the regulations you've ignored, all the people I've had to answer to for you... I have never been more disappointed in you than I am right now.

* * *

**Hikaru Sulu** <hsulu@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

** SUBJECT: RE: yum **

Uhhh. Okay. Don't know how I'm going to answer Ben if he ever sees this on my work PADD. But I can live with this. I don't know if you can though. All I can say is good luck. Been there, done that.

* * *

**James Tiberius Kirk** <jtkirk@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Christopher Robin, S'chn T'gai, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel Andreievich, Montgomery, Leonard Horatio … [▼]

 ** SUBJECT: Last Night's Comm-mail ** 

Greetings all,

I am not sure what I can say. I am truly speechless. I am sorry. I apologise for my error of judgement last night, which resulted in the distribution of an obviously private photo to the whole of the Enterprise. It was not my intention, and I am sorry to all whom I have offended in the process. I would also be eternally grateful if you could refrain from spreading the photo even further. In fact, it would be great if you could delete the comm-mail, as well as the picture, from your devices. Thank you.

As a parting word, heed Admiral Pike's advice. Don't be stupid.

Regards,  
Jim Kirk

* * *

**_You have joined a conversation with_ S'chn T'gai Spock.  
**

**stspock:** I received your comm-mail.  
**jtkirk:** oh my god  
**jtkirk:** can we not do this  
**jtkirk:** i am dying of embarrassment already  
**stspock:** Embarrassment from what?  
**jtkirk:** from a multitude of things  
**jtkirk:** getting drunk  
**jtkirk:** getting you drunk  
**jtkirk:** sending a nude to you  
**jtkirk:** and my entire crew  
**jtkirk:** i called them intergalactic sex monkeys  
**jtkirk:** look at me now  
**jtkirk:** spock i'm finished  
**stspock:** Your photo was pleasant  
**stspock:** to view.  
**stspock:** Your photo was pleasant to view.  
**jtkirk:** no one is watching you to make sure you form complete sentences spock  
**jtkirk:** and thank you  
**jtkirk:** but while i appreciate your appreciation, i do not appreciate my entire crew having a naked photo of me :-)  
**stspock:** Why are you smiling? It is contradictory to your frustration.  
**jtkirk:** sarcasm, sweetie  
**stspock: '** sweetie' is a term of endearment, is it not?  
**jtkirk:** it is, sweetie  
**stspock:** I am not averse to it. I will call you ashayam.  
**jtkirk:** that's fine with me too  
**jtkirk:** spock, i don't think you realise the gravity of the situation :-(  
**stspock:** I do, Jim. As a Vulcan, casual nudity is not looked upon without much disdain to accompany. As your potential bondmate, I am also further displeased by the fact that your body has been gazed upon by others in such a light.  
**jtkirk:** how did you just go from diligently discussing pet names to making me feel worse about my nudes??  
**stspock:** We shall meet, ashayam, and we shall speak. Do not worry. I have a plan in mind that I am 90.2 per cent certain will be helpful to your situation.  
**jtkirk:** hmmmm ok  
**jtkirk:** wait it's not mind melding or whatever right?? i still need my memories  
**stspock:** It is not.  
**jtkirk:** ok. uh... can you come to my quarters? i really don't wanna leave and see people right now  
**stspock:** Of course.  
**stspock:** I must also make clear that I enjoyed spending time with you last night.  
**stspock:** Even though I regurgitated, and thus had to truncate our date. It was pleasant.  
**stspock:** The date was pleasant.  
**stspock:** The regurgitation was not.  
**jtkirk:** yeah i got that hahahaha  
**stspock:** You were also very pleasant.  
**jtkirk:** get over here already, spock  
**stspock:** I shall.

**S'chn T'gai Spock _has left the conversation._**

* * *

  **\- Deleting Programme -  
25%**

* * *

**Leonard Horatio McCoy** <lhmccoy@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to James Tiberius [▼]

**SUBJECT: RE: yum**  


HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA LET ME SEE YOU LIVE THIS DOWN.  


* * *

**\- Deleting Programme -  
99%**

* * *

**\- Site Deleted -**  
**\- Database Deleted -**  
**\- System Deleted -**  
- **PROGRAMME SUCCESSFULLY DELETED -**

* * *

**Christopher Robin Pike** <crpike@starfleet.ent.fed>  
to Jim, Spock, Hikaru, Nyota, Pavel, Scotty, Leonard … [▼]

 **SUBJECT:**   **Another** **New Comm-mail System a.k.a. You Can Be Stupid But Just Know How to Get Yourself Out of It**

Greetings crew,

Once again I am here to welcome you to a new Comm-mail system. A recent attack on the Starfleet Comm-mail v7.0 resulted in the entire comm-mail programme being wiped out. So here, we have a "safer" and "more secure" programme in place, what with better firewalls and encryption that viruses will be "unable to assault". If nothing I have written so far makes sense, it is because it doesn't.

In addition, we have a brand new function that allows us to choose a display name. So alas, you no longer need to be addressed by your given names or have your convoluted middle names out for the world to see. What an upgrade.

If you were wondering if your privacy was at risk when Starfleet Comm-mail v7.0 was infected by the virus, fear not. Everything was consumed by the virus. It appeared that the perpetrator(s) were more interested in simply destroying the entire Comm-mail database than stealing information.

If you were wondering if your privacy may be at risk now, it probably is. But who uses their Starfleet Comm-mail seriously anyway, right? (If you do, please don't. They don't care about the Comm-mail system. They don't upgrade anything. They just pretend to. Stop using it so I can stop having to send these.)

Lastly, a reminder: Do be sure to keep your private information private. You are Starfleet personnel. You represent a prestigious organisation. Have some self-control. God.

I hope you are all doing well in deep space.

Warm regards,  
Chris Pike 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, LOL. If you would like more sophisticated fics (comparative more, not additional more) you could read my other fic, which I temporarily abandoned this weekend to write this nonsense. Have a great day. :-))


End file.
